How to handle toxic chess opponents

Well, that’s exactly what they want. They are more likely to win and couldn't care less about you not liking them.
In this article, I want to help you stay focused on your game, even if your opponent is toxic.

Outside of your control

My first instinct is always to talk to people and explain to them why their behavior isn’t ideal. But this approach has a few problems:

• You are not supposed to talk to your opponent during a game (at least OTB)
• Most likely, they don’t want to hear it and aren’t ready to change
• Maybe they even want to throw you off your game, so this makes their day, and you ruin yours

The hard way, I had to learn that I can’t change people (that’s also a good thing!), even if I’d like to help. How others act is outside of our control. Focusing on their behavior, how wrong it might be, and how they should change is a big waste of energy. Instead, I learned to try to focus on my reaction to their behavior.

Let’s say someone is writing toxic messages while you are playing against them. Entering a discussion about why this isn’t appropriate probably won’t do much. And as mentioned, you’ll waste energy on it instead of thinking about your own moves. If the messages are inappropriate, simply block the person or hide your chat (you can also disallow chat messages during a game altogether). Focus on your game and give it all you've got.
After the game, you can still decide what you want to do about their behavior. Do you want to report them? You can and should absolutely do that if they are out of line. Should you get upset and have a miserable day because of a toxic opponent? Nope. They aren’t worth it.

Toxic people are usually sad people.

Arguing with trolls on the internet is an absolute waste of your time. Toxic people usually want exactly this. They engage in bad behavior because they learn that this is an easy way to get attention, be seen, and seem important. If you give them your time and energy, maybe even post about them online, you give them exactly what they want.

That’s actually the reason I tried to quit Twitter for good. I simply couldn’t keep myself from interacting with internet trolls. The thing is that you never win. They are happy with a heated discussion; I feel terrible when I have one. What helps me most is having compassion for toxic people. That might sound absurd, but in reality, those are mostly sad and lonely people seeking attention this way because they can’t seem to get it by being decent human beings. That is a very sad situation to be in. The second thing that helps me a lot is understanding the following:

What they say has nothing to do with you but only to do with them.

As mentioned, toxic people, online or in real life, are generally sad and seek attention through their behavior. Who they play against doesn’t matter. Once you realize this, you can stop taking anything toxic people do or say personally. And even if it has a little bit to do with you, remember that you can’t be loved by everyone.

How to handle toxic opponents

Here is how I suggest you handle toxic opponents in chess:

1. Play your A-game against them; it is the best punishment to beat them.
2. Only think about things in your control: Calling arbiters, blocking them, reporting them...
3. Realize their behavior has nothing to do with you. Do not take it personally.
4. Once you have figured out what you can do in your control, try getting back into a chess mindset. Do not give them too much attention; that’s what they seek.

On the other hand, the worst you can do is to steam inside, get super mad and upset, but fail to take any action. That’s what guarantees you losing your game and reinforces their behavior because it seems to work out well.

Keep improving,
Noël

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